Archive for May, 2012

A letter to the teenage me.

I was in a bit of a creative funk today and wasn’t able to write much comedy or do anything productive.

I did, however, eat one of these.

And feeling unproductive, I let my mind wander to strange places.  I looked at old pictures of myself.  I imagined what things would be like in 10 years.  I went through my old diaries.  I doodled incessantly and without purpose.  I read more of Keith Richards’s autobiography and imagined the life of a rock star.  I brushed my cat until he grew frustrated and bit me.

Case of the Mondays?

And then I came across an article that seemed interesting, and it talked about writing a letter to your teenage self – the young, impressionable you – and explaining things to them with a sense of wisdom.  And then I remembered a conversation I had with my friend Rachel and thought, “Huh.  Maybe I should write that letter.”

This, friends, is that letter.



Hi there, 17 year old me:

Guess what, we’re 27 now (nearly 28).  Isn’t that bananas?!  Remember how old we thought that was?  Yeah, we’re that.

Anywho, lots of things to report that I think you’ll find interesting.  Of course, you can’t do shit about these things, but hey, knowing is a part of the non-fun.  I know your hormones are like a pack of angry bees right now, and you’re really super busy doing nothing, but hear me out:

1.  I’m not a famous writer.  Maybe when I’m 38 (ugh, I just threw up in my mouth) I’ll send you an update.  Hopefully better news?

2.  You’re going to have a span of about 8 years after this where you devote yourself to something/someone that’s not going to work out.  It’s going to make you very sad.  You’ll feel like you wasted a whole lot of time.  But you’ll be happy again, and in many ways better than before.  It will be okay.

3.  Yeah, that Donald guy you hang out with is going to become famous.  Doing the thing you want to do.  The thing you had in common.  And it’s going to suck walking in the mall and seeing him in a GAP ad while you’re working your shitty jobs and feeling like a loser.  But that also gets better.

4.   Your boobs will not be getting bigger.

5.   You’re only going to have 4 more years with your dad.  Try to enjoy them when he’s not being an asshole.  Because you’re going to miss him so much more than you expect.

6.   You’re going to go on stage and do stand up comedy.  And sometimes it will be great.  Sometimes it will be not so great.  Sometimes you’ll cry about it over a plate of nachos (you’re still going to like those).  It will be one of the funnest things you ever do.

7.  Your sense of style will be improving.  I know you think you dress fine now, but you’re a teenager and don’t know anything.

8.  You will at times feel unfunny, unpretty, unsmart (yeah, that’s not a word, fuck you), and unloved.  And none of those will be true.

9.  Radiohead is still awesome.

10.  And there’s still so much time left to get better.

Stay cool, me.





Another unproductive day provides a bit of insight.

You’re Doing It Wrong: Porn Edition

If you love porn: continue to love it.  It has a place and a purpose.

If you really, really love porn: read on.

My relationship with porn is an interesting one.  To clarify: I have no problem with people “doing it” – for money, for free, for drugs, or otherwise – I’m not a prude (clearly) and have no great sexual grievances that I can think of.  Sex, even the weird, dirty, kooky, sick shit, has it’s functions for some people.

I'm looking at you, Japan.

I don’t even think of porn as particularly sexist because porn ladies are doing it willingly, just like strippers get naked willingly and lunch ladies serve you square pizza willingly.  It’s a job.  It pays bills.  I’ve heard it can pay bills quite well, assuming you’re into doing the aforementioned weird, dirty, kooky, sick shit.

Yep, more Japanese stuff.

My issues with it stem from the fact that I think it teaches people lessons that are woefully wrong.  You can’t learn how to be a good lover by watching porn any more than I can watch cartoons and become a good artist.  Here are two big things that porn gets wrong:

Wrong porn lesson #1:  Your average-sized penis just won’t cut it.

Who’s affected: Dudes.

Most men I’ve known have thought, at one point or another, that they were too small.  Most porn dudes are these weird man/horse hybrids with barely functioning balloon animal dongs and now regular dudes think their tackle box is under stocked.  And that’s a real shame because average has been getting the job done just fine for centuries.   Yeah, I get that porn is a visual media and things have to be *ahem* exaggerated, but boys everywhere are convincing themselves that they’re inadequate – which just ain’t true.

Wrong porn lesson #2:  The only good boobs are fake boobs.

Who’s affected: Dudes and Chicks.

I heard a story from a male friend of mine last year talking about the first time he ever saw boobs in person.  Not on a computer, or on a DVD, or in a magazine – real life boobs attached to a living, breathing person.  The anticipation of it.  Moment of truth and – what the hell – those aren’t the boobs I’m used to!


Not that the boobs were necessarily awful – in retrospect he said that they were probably some of the best boobs he’s encountered (though he didn’t know it at the time) – but the look and feel was not as expected.  They hung a little lower.  They weren’t perfectly round or suctioned to her chest like two salad bowls.  The nipples were larger and darker, aka normal friggin’ boobs.  But that’s what he thought boobs were, and as a young guy, his only experience with them had been what he’d seen from porn stars or actresses or other people that pay good money to make their boobs look different.  Did he enjoy his first boobs?  Of course he did.

And on that same note, us lady folk see boobs like that and then look at our own and then think that we somehow don’t measure up.  Just like guys think poorly of their penises, us ladies think poorly of our breasts.  Except we can go out and make them look like porn boobs, should we have the money, and you dudes are pretty much stuck with what you’ve got.

Low self-esteem thumbs up!


But I think my big pet peeve with it is that guys and girls use it as a how-to guide, when really, it’s giving not so great advice most of the time.  Jack hammering everything isn’t good form.  Spit is not a good lubricant.   It’s fantasy.  It’s make believe.  Every time I think about porn, I think about two people that just met that day or who work together getting down for a paycheck.  I think it requires a fair amount of talent, as I don’t think everyone can do it, and that’s probably a good thing.

I guess the meat of the argument is this: it’s not real.  Bodies are different, preferences are different, pleasure comes in different ways.  To take it as anything but exaggeration puts you at a disservice.  Enjoy it if you want to, but like all things, assume that there’s a certain amount of ridiculousness to it.  Everything is ridiculous but not everything is truthful.

Except for those Japanese.  I think that’s legit.

Oh, you.