Archive for May 1st, 2012

You’re Doing It Wrong: Porn Edition

If you love porn: continue to love it.  It has a place and a purpose.

If you really, really love porn: read on.

My relationship with porn is an interesting one.  To clarify: I have no problem with people “doing it” – for money, for free, for drugs, or otherwise – I’m not a prude (clearly) and have no great sexual grievances that I can think of.  Sex, even the weird, dirty, kooky, sick shit, has it’s functions for some people.

I'm looking at you, Japan.

I don’t even think of porn as particularly sexist because porn ladies are doing it willingly, just like strippers get naked willingly and lunch ladies serve you square pizza willingly.  It’s a job.  It pays bills.  I’ve heard it can pay bills quite well, assuming you’re into doing the aforementioned weird, dirty, kooky, sick shit.

Yep, more Japanese stuff.

My issues with it stem from the fact that I think it teaches people lessons that are woefully wrong.  You can’t learn how to be a good lover by watching porn any more than I can watch cartoons and become a good artist.  Here are two big things that porn gets wrong:

Wrong porn lesson #1:  Your average-sized penis just won’t cut it.

Who’s affected: Dudes.

Most men I’ve known have thought, at one point or another, that they were too small.  Most porn dudes are these weird man/horse hybrids with barely functioning balloon animal dongs and now regular dudes think their tackle box is under stocked.  And that’s a real shame because average has been getting the job done just fine for centuries.   Yeah, I get that porn is a visual media and things have to be *ahem* exaggerated, but boys everywhere are convincing themselves that they’re inadequate – which just ain’t true.

Wrong porn lesson #2:  The only good boobs are fake boobs.

Who’s affected: Dudes and Chicks.

I heard a story from a male friend of mine last year talking about the first time he ever saw boobs in person.  Not on a computer, or on a DVD, or in a magazine – real life boobs attached to a living, breathing person.  The anticipation of it.  Moment of truth and – what the hell – those aren’t the boobs I’m used to!


Not that the boobs were necessarily awful – in retrospect he said that they were probably some of the best boobs he’s encountered (though he didn’t know it at the time) – but the look and feel was not as expected.  They hung a little lower.  They weren’t perfectly round or suctioned to her chest like two salad bowls.  The nipples were larger and darker, aka normal friggin’ boobs.  But that’s what he thought boobs were, and as a young guy, his only experience with them had been what he’d seen from porn stars or actresses or other people that pay good money to make their boobs look different.  Did he enjoy his first boobs?  Of course he did.

And on that same note, us lady folk see boobs like that and then look at our own and then think that we somehow don’t measure up.  Just like guys think poorly of their penises, us ladies think poorly of our breasts.  Except we can go out and make them look like porn boobs, should we have the money, and you dudes are pretty much stuck with what you’ve got.

Low self-esteem thumbs up!


But I think my big pet peeve with it is that guys and girls use it as a how-to guide, when really, it’s giving not so great advice most of the time.  Jack hammering everything isn’t good form.  Spit is not a good lubricant.   It’s fantasy.  It’s make believe.  Every time I think about porn, I think about two people that just met that day or who work together getting down for a paycheck.  I think it requires a fair amount of talent, as I don’t think everyone can do it, and that’s probably a good thing.

I guess the meat of the argument is this: it’s not real.  Bodies are different, preferences are different, pleasure comes in different ways.  To take it as anything but exaggeration puts you at a disservice.  Enjoy it if you want to, but like all things, assume that there’s a certain amount of ridiculousness to it.  Everything is ridiculous but not everything is truthful.

Except for those Japanese.  I think that’s legit.

Oh, you.