Archive for December, 2012

A Comedian’s Guide to Getting Drunk

I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas.  Mine was great!

woopdedoo

But I, like you, have gone through my bank statements, had a good cry, and am now ready to drink my troubles away for NYE 2013.  And maybe make some predictions for the coming year.  You ready?  Let’s go!

How to get drunk tip #1: Eating is for suckers.  Save it for the hangover.

Imaginary people often ask me, “Hey Chrissie, should I eat before I go out drinking?” And I say, “Well, person I made up, light eats are good, but how drunk are you really wanting to get?” And they usually say, “Pretty drunk, I guess.” And then I say, “So don’t waste your drunk by eating!  That’s for fools.”

It’s pretty good advice.

tumblr_maq77ecMHG1qejf6u

So, basically, you can eat later.  Drink now.  Drink lots.

How to get drunk tip #2: Hard liquor, I barely knew her.

If your plan is to get drunk, liquor is where it’s at.  If you plan on peeing all night, then by all means, drink your beer.  Not that I don’t love beer – I do, truly, unequivocally, but there are times and places for it.  Also, I prefer porters and stouts, and I consider it sacrilege to chug those.

She was great until I saw her pound that Left Hand Milk Stout like it didn't mean anything.  Anything!

She was great until I saw her pound that Left Hand Milk Stout like it didn’t mean anything. Anything!

Here is my recipe for the perfect cocktail.  Sure to get you drunk.

You’ll need:

Handful of ice cubes

8oz. Coca-Cola

1 bottle of Bourbon

Step 1.  Pour ice cubes in glass.

Step 2.  Pour Coca-Cola over ice.

Step 3.  Throw on ground.

Step 4.  Drink bourbon.

How to get drunk tip #3: Wear your best shoes.

There’s always been a part of me where I think that if I get drunk while I’m wearing nice shoes that it speaks “classy” rather than “alcoholic”.

Nothing like drinking in sweatpants to make you feel like that degree was a great idea.

Nothing like drinking in sweatpants to make you feel like that degree was a great idea.

And getting drunk in style is what NYE is all about.  Because looking good while drinking is the only thing that matters.  J/K.  Or am I?

How to get drunk tip #4: Kiss somebody.

Midnight on NYE is supposed to be a magical time.  You’re supposed to kiss somebody, and I’m not sure why this is, but I like it.  Maybe it’s a pagan thing.  Maybe it’s a way of spreading the latest flu virus around so we can test the effectiveness of the current vaccine.  Whatever the reason, just do it, and do it with gusto.  Because you’re getting drunk and it won’t matter anyway!  Maybe they’ll buy you breakfast.  And if I’ve learned anything, most things will be forgiven over a good, hearty breakfast.

awkward shmawkward...let's have eggs.

awkward shmawkward…let’s have eggs.

Kissing is especially good if you like them.  But we can’t all be so picky.  So for NYE, literally anyone will do.

How to get drunk tip #5: You’re gonna puke, and it’s totes okay.

Imaginary people often ask me, “Heya Chrissie, I’m not a fan of puking.  How can I not do that?”  And I’m all like, “Jeez, made up people, y’all are so needy and full of questions!”  But to answer, you can’t really prevent it.  I’m sure, maybe, there’s some ancient remedy where you eat a dog’s balls or something, but for now, just know that you’re gonna do it.  And for that night only, it will be fine.  Any party host that’s not prepared for a little puke isn’t taking it seriously.  It’s unavoidable.

We must construct more puke buckets!

We must construct more puke buckets!

And, hopefully, you’ll be among friends.  And what’s a little bodily fluid exchange among comrades?  Chances are it will make for a good story, and life is all about stories.  It’s not about good deeds you did when no one was looking, it’s not about having good ideas, it’s not about being nice or being good at things – it’s about doing things that people tease you mercilessly about later.  At least give them something good.

And if you don’t have a date yet, but have your eye on somebody, send them this.

My resolutions for the New Year:

more comedy.

more comedy.

more love.

more phở.

 

Happy New Year, everybody!

The best xmas gifts for the atheist in your life

Tis the season of gift giving and getting.  Getting, as we know, is pretty much awesome.  I’ve been spending a lot of time online looking for great gifts and wanted to share my terrific findings with you.  All are atheist friendly, atheist approved, and sure to bring xmas cheer.

 

1.  Horse head.

I don't always smoke a cigar, but when I do, I wear a fucking awesome horse head."

I don’t always smoke a cigar, but when I do, I wear a fucking awesome horse head.”

This, gentle readers, is one of my favorite items of the past year.  An utterly frivolous gift for the utterly frivolous person in your life.  Be the talk of the holiday party, or just be a party all the time.  Not convinced?  Photographic evidence:

Even good for puppies!

Even good for puppies!

 

Chase the hurricanes away!

Chase the hurricanes away!

 

Scarring your children has never been so easy - or so fun!

Scarring your children has never been so easy – or so fun!

 

2.  Inflatable Unicorn Horn

unicorn horn

I don’t know about you, but I’m quickly running out of ways to annoy my cat.  I thought all hope was lost until I found this.  For the low, low price of $5.00USD, you’ll get literally seconds of fun before your cat death rolls out of this devil cap and claws your face.

Totally worth it.

Totally worth it.

And if a well-intentioned Christian friend says, “Hey, unicorns aren’t real!”  Kindly tell them, “Well, like you, I also enjoy a bit of fantasy in my life.”

 

3.  “A Practical Guide to Racism”

racism

Racism isn’t just for evangelicals anymore!  Use your Christmas vacation to learn all about stereotypes and why they’re great.  C.H. Dalton is a great writer from The Daily Show and this newest fixture of the literary canon is sure to impress and offend.

 

4.  Fresco Jesus on Canvas

fresco jesus

One of the best memes ever, and now, you can proudly display your allegiance to our lord and savior “Fresco Jesus” in the best way possible – on a wall.  In your house.  Nightmares are totes included.

 

5.  A Flying Spaghetti Monster Tree Ornament

FSM

 

 

Leave it to Etsy, the great purveyor of all things hipster and crafty, to provide the ideal decoration for your holiday tree.  Because all of us Atheists know that Christmas is about two things: decorating trees and loving mythical beings.

 

I hope you have a Merry Christmas, whatever that means to you.  Let’s get some presents and get food wasted.