I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas. Mine was great!
But I, like you, have gone through my bank statements, had a good cry, and am now ready to drink my troubles away for NYE 2013. And maybe make some predictions for the coming year. You ready? Let’s go!
How to get drunk tip #1: Eating is for suckers. Save it for the hangover.
Imaginary people often ask me, “Hey Chrissie, should I eat before I go out drinking?” And I say, “Well, person I made up, light eats are good, but how drunk are you really wanting to get?” And they usually say, “Pretty drunk, I guess.” And then I say, “So don’t waste your drunk by eating! That’s for fools.”
It’s pretty good advice.
So, basically, you can eat later. Drink now. Drink lots.
How to get drunk tip #2: Hard liquor, I barely knew her.
If your plan is to get drunk, liquor is where it’s at. If you plan on peeing all night, then by all means, drink your beer. Not that I don’t love beer – I do, truly, unequivocally, but there are times and places for it. Also, I prefer porters and stouts, and I consider it sacrilege to chug those.
Here is my recipe for the perfect cocktail. Sure to get you drunk.
Handful of ice cubes
1 bottle of Bourbon
Step 1. Pour ice cubes in glass.
Step 2. Pour Coca-Cola over ice.
Step 3. Throw on ground.
Step 4. Drink bourbon.
How to get drunk tip #3: Wear your best shoes.
There’s always been a part of me where I think that if I get drunk while I’m wearing nice shoes that it speaks “classy” rather than “alcoholic”.
And getting drunk in style is what NYE is all about. Because looking good while drinking is the only thing that matters. J/K. Or am I?
How to get drunk tip #4: Kiss somebody.
Midnight on NYE is supposed to be a magical time. You’re supposed to kiss somebody, and I’m not sure why this is, but I like it. Maybe it’s a pagan thing. Maybe it’s a way of spreading the latest flu virus around so we can test the effectiveness of the current vaccine. Whatever the reason, just do it, and do it with gusto. Because you’re getting drunk and it won’t matter anyway! Maybe they’ll buy you breakfast. And if I’ve learned anything, most things will be forgiven over a good, hearty breakfast.
Kissing is especially good if you like them. But we can’t all be so picky. So for NYE, literally anyone will do.
How to get drunk tip #5: You’re gonna puke, and it’s totes okay.
Imaginary people often ask me, “Heya Chrissie, I’m not a fan of puking. How can I not do that?” And I’m all like, “Jeez, made up people, y’all are so needy and full of questions!” But to answer, you can’t really prevent it. I’m sure, maybe, there’s some ancient remedy where you eat a dog’s balls or something, but for now, just know that you’re gonna do it. And for that night only, it will be fine. Any party host that’s not prepared for a little puke isn’t taking it seriously. It’s unavoidable.
And, hopefully, you’ll be among friends. And what’s a little bodily fluid exchange among comrades? Chances are it will make for a good story, and life is all about stories. It’s not about good deeds you did when no one was looking, it’s not about having good ideas, it’s not about being nice or being good at things – it’s about doing things that people tease you mercilessly about later. At least give them something good.
And if you don’t have a date yet, but have your eye on somebody, send them this.
My resolutions for the New Year:
Happy New Year, everybody!