The Season of Irrational Fears: Supervolcanoes

One of my dearest, dearest (dearest) friends posted a link to a terrifying news story today.  It may not hit others as particularly terrifying, but for me, it kept me from focusing for much of the day.

Yes, I’m talking about the story of animals fleeing Yellowstone National Park in an eerie foretelling of the supervolcano super-eruption of DOOM.

We're all gonna die

In case you don’t know about this phenomenon, a few easy facts to remember:

1.  Yes, Yellowstone National Park sits on a supervolcano.

2.  If you’re looking at gambler’s odds, it’s due.

3.  It will probably kill us all.


Flashback to my childhood self: I’m watching a special on natural disasters and their potential for a mass human extinction (e.g. Dinosaurs) –

You know, "light" watching.

You know, “light” watching.

-and after they finished with the melting of the polar ice caps (and the subsequent swelling of the seas that would drown us), they started talking about volcanoes.

Pish posh, I said.  How the hell are volcanoes going to scare me after I just watched a diagram of America DISAPPEARING??

Well, dear readers, it didn’t take much.

If Yellowstone were to erupt, we would die.  Not a quick death of  “Oh my GOD LOOK OUT FOR THE LAV-”


No, it would be a death where ashes black out the sun, food doesn’t grow anymore, the air is filled with smoke, and we’re going to starve.  It would kill the population, and be pretty damn thorough about it.

After I watched scientists discuss the inevitability of this fate, I went to my room and did my best impression of sleeping.

Oh, when I said "sleeping" I meant "wetting myself."

Oh, when I said “sleeping” I meant “wetting myself.”

I spent a lot of time worrying about it.  At school I tried to tell people about what I’d seen, about how Yellowstone is actually TERRIBLE and it’s going to destroy us, how we’re on a ticking time bomb of nature’s fury.  But no one was listening.  And I was panicked.

So today I read this article and felt the irrational fears of childhood once again – like a friend you’re never happy to see who you don’t even like and you’re like “ugh, what does friend mean?”

And then I went to and read about it a little more here.  And I feel slightly better.  But only just.  I’m so relieved that I had some bourbon when I got home.

Yellowstone will kill us.  Just not today.

You're welcome, freedom.

You’re welcome, freedom.

  1. YESSSS!

  2. OH YEAH….if you click on that…it doesn’t take you to my blog. Click on this for my blog:

  3. NO!! that is wrong too. click on this:

    I am ridiculous.

    • if trying to promote yourself but failing but being adorable anyway was an olympic event – you’re at the very least a bronze medalist.

    • Alicia
    • April 4th, 2014

    SO HAPPY YOU ARE BACK. Love this. Except now I am terrified, thinking of quitting my job,and just racking up debt in a spree of fun (and food hoarding) before my inevitable death-preservation like some kind of prehistoric bog-man. THANKS OBAMA.

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